unwritten.

2006-09-08T20:59:00.000-07:00

Muli

2006-09-02T03:20:00.000-07:00

Naglayas ako.

http://daenadeguzman-sinukuan.blogspot.com

susundan mo ba 'ko?

Pagbigyan nyo na 'ko

2006-08-30T23:08:00.000-07:00

Masyadong mabilis ang mga pangyayari. Sa sobrang bilis ni hindi nga makasabay man lang ang mga daliri ko sa utak ko. Hindi makasabay ang keyboard, ang bolpen, ang keypad ng cellphone kong naghihingalo na. Hindi makasabay ang sinasabi ko pa lang sa iniisip ko na o ang gusto kong sabihin na sa iisipin ko pa lang. Nagtutulakan, nag-iiwanan ang dalawa kong mga paa. Pati anino ko nagsolo na. Hindi ko na nga alam kung ano na lang ba ang naiwan sa 'kin. Alin-alin na lang ba sa mga parte ng pagkatao ko ang nananatiling sa akin pa nga.

Nagbunga na nga ang isang pangyayari, nanganak na nga ang isang desisyon nandito pa rin ako nakatanga. Iniisip ko pa rin kung ano nga ba ang nangyari, kung ano ba'ng ibig sabihin noon at kung ano nga ba'ng dapat kong gawin. Natatawa na ang lahat ako nakapangalumbaba pa rin, iniisip kung alin ba doon ang punch line. Uwian na pakiramdam ko hindi pa nagsisimula.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang mas mabilis sa dalawa; ang sadyang pagtakbo ng panahon o ang pagbabago ng damdamin. Sana kasing bilis na lang din ako ng panahon o kaya naman sana kaya ko ring magpapalit-palit nang mabilisan gaya ng damdamin. Sana kahit naman papaano makasabay naman ako kung hindi man ako mauna. Para sana hindi ako naiiwang nakatayo dito, nangangawit, nagugutom, naghihintay, natatakot at mag-isa. Pauwi na nga 'ko pero pakiramdam ko naliligaw lang ako; naliligaw pa rin ako.

Nakaw na sandali - hindi ko lubos maisip na sasabihin ko ang mga salitang 'to. Nakaw na sandali. Tumatagos ba dahil mahina lang ako o dahil talagang walang laman? Ninakaw ko nga lang ba talaga yun o naawa ka lang sa'ken kaya pinahiram mo? Pinatikim mo lang ba 'ko para malaman ko kung paano mapaso ng kaunting apoy? Kung paano magnasa sa kaunting ligaya? Lahat ba nang iyon ay hindi totoo? Pinipilit kong unawain pero hindi ko matanggap. Hindi ko pa rin matanggap.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kayo unti-unting nagsusulputan. Isa-isa kayong nangangamusta. Oo sige nag-effort na kayo kung nag-effort na send-an ako ng message sa Friendster. Oo na at nagpa-tweetums na kayo at may smiley pa ang message nyo'ng "musta" lang naman ang laman. Pero hindi ako natutuwa. Lalo n'yo lang akong ginambala. Sana hindi na lang kayo nagpanggap na talagang nangungumusta kayo dahil hindi naman talaga. Huwag na kayong mag-attempt. Ako pa'ng niloko n'yo, gasgas na naman ang mga pakulo n'yo. Sabihin n'yo na lang sa'kin na may kailangan kayo. Hindi naman ako maramot. Hindi ko naman kayo iisnabin kesa naman pinapagewang-gewang n'yo pa ang usapan. Higit sa lahat, bakit pa kayo magpapanggap na may pakialam kayo eh matagal na naman akong sanay na wala kayo. Mas komportable na 'kong magtampisaw sa layo natin at espasyo kesa bumitin sa mga tulay na tubig na pilit n'yong itinatayo.

Paano ba umiyak ng malakas pero hindi masakit? O kaya naman eh umiyak ng walang tunog at luha kahit nagdurugo?

Noong una ayoko pang makinig sa katawan ko. Hindi ko pinapansin kung anumang ibinubulong niya sa'kin. Pero ngayon, ngayon alam ko na'ng mas nakaiintindi siya, mas nakararamdam. Ipinapanalangin ko na lang na maging maganda ang resulta ng x-ray ko. Gusto ko ring humingi nang tawad sa kanya. Masyadong naging matigas ang ulo ko.

Wala akong maintindihan. Hindi ko maintindihan ang kahit alin man dito. Ginagawa ko lang, oo ginagawa ko lang pero hindi ko alam kung bakit. Basta alam ko hindi ako pwedeng tumigil at sabihing "Hindi ko kasi talaga naiintindihan". Hindi ako pwedeng tumunganga lang at magpahintay sa kanila habang nag-iisip pa 'ko. Hindi pwedeng ipostpone ang pag-ikot ng mundo o ang paulit-ulit na pagkabuhay at pagkamatay araw-araw. May mga bagay na hindi na maaaring sagipin pa kapag dumapo na ang dapit-hapon sa mga paa. May mga bagay na hindi na maaaring gisingin pa kapag humalik na ang bukangliwayway sa noo. Sana alam ko kung paano magtanong at kung kanino ako magtatanong. Sana alam ko kung sino ang dapat kong tanungin na hindi magdadalawang-isip na ako ay sagutin. Sana alam kong may palaging maghihintay sa akin at hindi magsasawa; hindi mang-iiwan hanggang makasiguro na ako na ako ay talagang handa na at buo ang loob.

Lagi na lang bang ganito? Kung hindi kulang, sobra. Kung hindi maluwag, masikip. Kung hindi masyadong maaga, late naman. Kung hindi kahapon, bukas pa. Kung hindi naghihintay, iniwan na.

Kung ayaw mo talaga, umalis ka na lang. Kaibigan ang gusto ko hindi kalaro, hindi kakwentuhan, hindi kasama. Mas magiging masaya akong mag-isa dahil at least sigurado 'ko na totoo akong kaibigan sa sarili ko. Kung hanggang diyan lang ang kaya mong ibigay, kung hanggang diyan lang sa pagkatao mo ang kaya mong ibahagi... 'di bale na lang. Kulang pa 'yan sa'yo.

Akala ko tinapos ko na noong Biyernes. Akala ko pinahintulutan na rin ako ni tadhana na gawin 'yon. Pero bakit noong sumapit ang Sabado nagbago na naman ang takbo ng lahat? Bigla na namang may kumambiyo at pilit akong hinatak pabalik sa daang tinalikuran ko na nga at dapat nga ay tuluyan ko nang iiwan. Nasanay na nga ako sa matinding init, sa pagiging tigang ng lupa at pagiging malupit ng hangin, sabay biglang uulan. Bakit pa biglang umulan? Nasanay na nga akong mamuhay sa umaga kung saan ang lahat ay nabibilad sa ilalim nang araw, walang mga balat ang nangangailangan ng karagdagang init at walang lihim ang nakakapagtago sabay biglang sasapit ang gabi? Kakagat ang dilim? Nasanay na nga ako'ng naglalakad mag-isa sa gitna ng kalsada, mag-isa sa ilalim ng payong kong sira, mag-isang kumain, mag-isang umuwi, mag-isang magreklamo, mag-isa sa lahat sabay bigla kang darating? Hindi kita hinanap. Hindi kita ipinagdasal. Paulit-ulit ko na nga 'tong sinasabi. Hindi kita kinailangan. Hindi ako kulang. Hindi kita hinintay pero dumating ka pa rin. Gusto na kitang paalisin pero hindi ko naman magagawa 'yon kaya ako na lang ang lalayo. Pero hindi ko maihakbang ang mga paa ko o kahit magawa ko man, halos iisa na lang ang nilalakaran natin ngayon. Kahit ano mang pilit ko, magkakasalubong at magkakasalubong pa rin tayo. Sana matutunan ko na lang kung paanong piliting hindi yumuko kapag nakakasalubong ka, kung paanong piliting magmukhang normal lang at hindi nag-aalala. Sana matutunan ko na lang maging masaya sa kabila nang lahat. Sana matutunan ko na lang na maging masaya lang at kuntento na kasama ka lang. Sana matutunan ko na lang na harapin ang katotohanan nang mukha sa mukha at tanggapin siya ng buo. Sana matutunan ko na lang ibalik ang dati kong sarili... kung hindi man ang takbo ng buhay ko noong wala ka pa. Sana kahit yun lang magawa ko, kahit hindi na kita mapaalis o kahit hindi na 'ko lumayo.

Sana rin matutunan ko nang itigil ang pagtatanong ng "Bakit?" at tanggapin na lang nang buong puso at buong pagtitiwala. Isa pa, wala rin namang may alam ng sagot.

Oo, gusto ko na 'tong matapos.

Pero hindi ko hihilingin, hahayaan ko lang mangyari.

Let's step back, watch the rains fall then see each other go

2006-08-30T09:13:00.000-07:00

Could somebody please tell me the reason why we met?
I never searched, waited nor prayed for you but you came, anyway.
I never wanted any of these things. Never. Ever.
But again
and again,

... why?

Name

2006-08-29T20:09:00.000-07:00

I think about you all the time But I don't need the same.

Self Portrait

2006-08-24T17:47:00.000-07:00

She's in the middle, yet she's outside.

~ Amelie

Intoxication and Secrets

2006-08-23T13:42:00.000-07:00

But I have to say these things...
Silly how life sometimes squeezes you too hard 'til you puke it all out.

1. I keep three "secret" poetry blogs (but for sure, knowing the www, someone out there might have been reading them for a while now.) and I'm not planning to show my poems to anybody I know anytime soon.

2. I'm stalking on someone (- and I'm not very good at it. sadly.)

3. I'm not okay.

4. I don't know what to do with my life - with myself.

5. I'm afraid of losing myself (in any possible way).

6. I'm a comfy liar.

7. I have many guilty pleasures (yea.)

8. There's this baby sadist in me (no, not actually, a teen sadist rather)

9. I hate super friendly people.

10. I think I'm stupid.

11. I'm greedy.

12. The thought of goodbye petrifies me.

13. I talk to myself. Literally.

14. I love making people uncomfortable (sadist nga kase).

15. I hate explaining things verbally.

16. Thinking about death quiets me.

17. I have to flirt at least once a day (in any sort of way).

18. I can sit alone in one corner for the rest of the day and not get bored or lonely.

19. I'm a bratinella by nature (repressed type lang).

20. I have murderous tendencies.

21. I'm actually a very very touchy person (but not in a maniac kind of way, of course) and it makes me sad how most people aren't comfortable with that.

22. I feel alone and scared (or funny) most of the time.

23. I want to break away from my religion and be the sole responsible for my spirituality.

24. I want to be a chain smoker

25 - but I don't want to be addicted to anything/anybody.

Sabi kasi ni Peter nakakasarap daw ng tulog eh

2006-08-18T07:31:00.000-07:00

30 thoughts about 30 people:

1. You're one of the bravest women I knew. Saludo talaga ako sa'yo!
2. Ang gwapo mo talaga! Naiiyak na naman tuloy ako.
3. Sorry, hindi ka kagandahan. Huwag ipahalata masyado ang pag-fifeeling.
4. Inubos mo ang load ko. Hindi kita mapapatawad.
5. Ang sarap mong kasama talaga. Ever! Wala kang dull moments, grabe.
6. Hoy, ikaw, i love you na talaga friend!
7. Oh, hindeeee... hindi pwedeng love na kita. Takut aku. Literal.
8. Mas bagay sa'yo 'pag naka-pony tail ka. Ang hot mo kaya.
9. Bakit kaya... ang saya100x mo palagi?
10. Hoy, wag kang mag-inarte. Hindi bagay. After all, ikaw naman talaga ang may kasalanan.
11 - 12. Oo talaga. Hindi ko kayo ipagpapalit. The nights are named after us. Chenes.
13-14. Excuse me, I don't have to be like you.
15. Someday, gagawa ako ng kwento tungkol sa'yo. Promise.
16. Sana huwag ka nang magpapansin sa'ken. Ayoko na di'ba?
17. I can't believe it talaga. Ngayong girl ka na, mas maganda ka pa sa'ken. Hmp!
18. Friend, bakit kahit ano'ng pilit ko, para pa ring ang layo-layo mo?
19. Friend, alam mo na. Masaya ako talaga para sa'yo. Kaso lang...huhuhu. Feeling ko di mo na 'ko kailangan.
20. Hindi kita kinakaya!
21. Ikakasal ka na ba talaga? Yehey!
22. Huwag ka kasing masyadong nega. Ang super super great great mo kaya.
23. Ikaw ang first love ko sa UPD - at ako ay nabigo. Ouch.
24. Teka lang, teka lang. Wag mo ko masyadong i-pressure. Maarte pa naman ako.
25. Bagay sa'yo ang braces mo. Fink.
26. Kamusta naman ang perversions naten? Updates naman diyan.
27. Pinapansin mo lang ako 'pag kailangan mo 'ko. Loser.
28. Boka ka. Pero sige, I forgive you na. (May bitterness).
29. Yay! Nakamayan kita! Huwaaaaw! Tsansing!
30. Hindi kita iniisip. Hindi kita iniisip.

Yuck, puro lovelovelove ang laman. Napaghahalataan tuloy...

On fire

2006-08-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

I never knew that hell could be as numbing as this.
See, I'm not even sure if I'm starting to melt or what.

Daybreak

2006-08-12T23:01:00.000-07:00

Of course that would be okay, kasi ayoko namang change-is-breaking-us-apart ang drama natin.

For that, I'm sure I'd want to spend the rest of my life with you. Never in my life have I known someone who'd really be willing to run the mile and accept me as a person who's always in the now and becoming; never will be done and be undone. We do not understand each other sometimes yet we know that we do not really need to explain anything. It must be right - we are definitely larger than life. We are more than cycles and processes. We are more than changes.

I love you, friend. I so so so love you. We both know our own difficulties with regards to submitting ourselves to somebody we love (or should I say, like) but maybe I could think twice when it comes to you and this friendship. Maybe I will compromise or maybe

I already did.

The tenth entry

2006-08-08T16:31:00.000-07:00

Never fall in love with a poet.
Never fall in love with a poet.
Never fall in love with a poet.

Never ever, ever fall in love with a poet.

Still, Dead Stars

2006-08-06T22:05:00.000-07:00

Has the final word been said?

You no longer call me the way you did before.

So, is that IT?

I didn't know you could break my heart twice.

And yes, he is a god

2006-08-02T02:16:00.000-07:00

Pink paper

2006-07-28T05:27:00.000-07:00

I can't possibly come because I'm waiting for someone. The look and smell of this place would surely devastate her (- or is it a him?) without me. I know you understand.

But of course I'm such a casual liar and as foolish as you are.

- and you may not believe it again but this time, I'm not lying.

But the truth is, I feel like saying sorry to you most of the time. I know what an awful chicken I am.

By the way

2006-07-26T18:24:00.000-07:00

Don't ask me why. Don't pat my back. Don't stay, just go. Don't pray for me, you know you need it more than I do. Don't bother, just let me be.

- and finally, don't ask me to stop. Just back off if I'm already driving you dizzy.

Finally, I knew why

2006-07-26T15:54:00.000-07:00

This heart trouble has been slowly killing me for quite some time. My eyes, too were depriving me to see who I really was, how I really looked like and how pretty the colors of the earth really were. Even the darkest shades haven’t been visible to me.

It has been lifeless from where I have been and the colors that I knew were all but spurious, I realized. This led me to suffocating myself without even trying to fight back; I have been letting myself pass away. How could I do such a thing when all I really wanted was to make sense out of this short life? I guess, I was just like one of those prisoners who were merely satisfied to be mesmerized by the shadows in the cave. I didn’t know there was a world out there. I didn’t even know that a thing such as the sun indeed existed - and it still exists.

Now I know why I was never able to satisfy my appetite. The foods I’ve been eating were all synthetic. The room I’ve been lurking all my life was indeed a void. I was better off as dead (literally), because after all, I was really buried meters below.

But now, I’m slowly creeping my way back to the surface.

I can see the light bouncing back from the greens to the blues. At least.

Painting it acid grey

2006-07-23T19:12:00.000-07:00

The legitimacy of my revenge begins today.

You bawl at me, I hit you in the face. You push me around, I kick your dick. You trash my things, I burn yours. You spit at me, I puke at you. You boss me around, I sit on my ass, ignore you 'til you blow your head up.

And don't you walk away from me! I'm not yet finished!

Blame it on the night before

2006-07-23T19:06:00.000-07:00

I'm shattered. My eyes are burning. This body hungers for anything but food. The rains aren't even redeeming the drought. Somebody has been intruding my thoughts and I want to kill. Time is still depriving me.

But no, I'm not complaining.

Besides, do I have time for that?

Watch your steps

2006-07-22T23:00:00.000-07:00

Of course, I remembered. What I only wanted was to make you feel like I have totally forgotten you and all things relevant. That was well planned. I succeed and don't make a fool out of yourself telling me you knew it all along. You don't have to bother reminding me how sadistic I am to people like you as well because I already know that more than you do.

By the way, I'm not going to do that evil laugh as a conclusion.

This is so boring and so are you.

Mornings

2006-07-22T21:17:00.000-07:00

Come to meet the muse resting in some place distorted. Something was continuously being dragged, torn apart and fixed up over and over again.

But still, things were left unpunctuated.

Let's go back to the start.